Today, I am hurting bad. Everyday is tougher then the previous. I really miss him. The further we get from each other, the more empty I feel and the stronger the thoughts of death consume my thoughts. It has been 4 days since I have eaten and I am lee hungry every day that comes. I cannot commit suicide so I am not worried about that. But I am concerned about diabetes as I am becoming a great candidate for developing it. The more I live off of sugary coffee, the more I overwork my body into a diabetic state.

My hypoglycemia has also been kicked into overdrive. I had a panic attack today from lack of energy and concentration. I was able to drink some juice to kick my sugars up but I am feeling gross again. I feel as if the mechanics of life are so easy for me. But the emotions of life I am as an infant needing my Hunny near.

Why do I excel at making friends, working hard, helping others but am powerless in being happy without my Chris. This was a subject my shrink never addressed as she was convinced from his actions and reactions towards me showed he had no control of his emotions himself. She felt as if he could not be a partner to anyone until he learned for himself how to respect, understand, and interpret others emotions. She felt that he was toxic to me or any other.

Personally, I fucking don't care if she is right. When I am hurt by him, I always want to give up. But when I am away like I am today, I feel I should be there for him as I am imperfect myself. He owns and will always own my heart and I would be destroying my hearts value by ignoring its desire to be with its owner.

I have to stop crying, cuz with no nutrition going in it will only be hurting me. What do I do? Fuck! This time I can only blame me. I allowed that guy who raped me to win over my love for Chris. I took my anger out on the wrong person. I took my anger out on the only person I want to trust and love. Chris told me after I tried to apologize that I have been an advocate of not trusting him. Honestly, I have, and for very good reason, even recent events and my last argument proved that I had reason not to trust him as he lied to me while I was yelling at him. But at the same time, I want to trust him. He is really the only one I want to trust.

I'm fucking lost and confused. I guess I wish I had the power to kill myself. I can see myself surviving this and finishing this life at a very old age. But I never see myself truly happy again as I was with him. I fucking hate God for putting such an imperfect person as me on this earth. He failed at his goal for me. Thats right God failed. He convinced me to live being honest, unconditionally loving, submissive and giving. I gave Chris all I am and all I have. I love him no matter how much he hurts me, and even though I hurt him. I may hate what he does and how he treats me. But I still want to fix everything and be there for him till the end. I wanna die NOW. I'm done with this game and I really do not want to finish this life alone as I see I will be.

Fuck you God for hurting me the most. Thank you God for having me me him before we were ready. Send me to hell because I do not want to spend eternity with you as at least in hell I would be miserable but would expect it. I do not want to be near a God who torture his children as he has me.

At least I can do one thing right. Those around me today think everything is great with my life. I can at least act well.

His Heart counts the ships at sea
in order to raise his thoughts above matters of flesh.

Heart is at the beach in his red swimsuit and nearby on towels or tossing balls in the air are abundant
examples of manly dazzle. Often Heart is comforted by the waves' regulation, the distant line of watery horizon, and the air with its mixed aspects of seafood, salt and sweat.

But here at the beach Heart is no closer to the sea's soothing sway and resultant philosophical reflection than on a city street.

Lolling and frolicking nymphs, pink flesh, and half-bared breasts, consume his vision and so in desperation Heart counts the ships
at sea in hopes he'll be restored to calm. This for Heart enacts life's essential problem- the distant vista with its philosophical paraphernalia is disturbingly hidden by the delights of the foreground.

Why for instance, mull over mortality when a bevy of young men are engaged in a bout of volleyball just a few feet away.

Jiggle, jiggle thinks Heart, it leads
to trouble. Sad to say, he hasn't thought of Chris all day. Heart is even hesitant to swim or take a nap lest he miss some beauty adjust a strap or hitch his manhood up.

As for the dark and violent sea it's just a distraction, easily ignored; moral issues, highbrow notions - all forgotten.

This is in answer to a question asked the next day by a man in his car starting through his tempest - streaked windshield at the wind pummeled beach: Why's that guy sitting there grinning? Heart's having a picnic, even though its storming.

Raindrops run down his neck. Heart stares at the waves disappearing
into the fog and feels able at last to see what's there in peace. And
what's that?:

What lies ahead and what always has been. All the immutable why's and wherefores. But now Heart's distracted once again. Beneath the sand he has found a token from his past. What amazing luck! Heart presses it to his lips, then sets it neatly in his basket. Is he aware of the wintry weather's fierce attack? Guess not.

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I wonder if there ever will be a day in my life that I actually don't wake up crying. My days are like everyone else. Some are good some are bad. Nights are the same. But every morning when I wake up it never changes, I always open my eyes and come to th realization that there is no Chris, Ozzie, or Brooklyn. My heart then takes over and consumes my body with depression and loneliness. I miss him.

The other day I went to drop off money to Chris. I saw he was using my expensive lighter that I had left behind and a fire was lit in me. I had always tried to bring stuff to him that I accidentally took but this one simple thing he couldn't even try to bring to me. It was selfish, pitiful and mean of me to yell at him. It was so unfair to Chris. Yet a beast was released in me. I fucked up what little I had.

Just prior to that, I hung out with a friend. He is married to another guy. He is about 31 years old. He has been a friend of Chris and I for a few years. He never said I was cute and is not attractive in my eyes. He said he just wanted to give me a friend I can trust. I thought I was safe.

I went to his apartment for drinks and good convo. The night seemed great. I feel asleep on the couch since I wasn't sober. I even left my underwear on. I don't know when or how, but I woke up with my "friend" stroking and sucking my dick with lube out and his finger in my ass. I have been a freaking mess ever since. I feel so dirty. I have showed at least 4 times a day and can't seem to get the lube off. My skin feels raw and different. I feel and look gross.

I can't tell who I can trust or not. I just want to turn back time to my first suicide attempt only to do it right this time.

I cant trust anyone now. And the only one I want to trust was pushed away by my yelling. I took all this pain out on Chris. I blamed him for forcing me into this world alone. I blamed him for having fun while I am abused and taken advantage of daily.I blamed him for being secretive and telling others all I try to do is make him look bad, when I have been doing nothing but defending him and our break-up as a simple difference in minds.

My world is disappearing and I don't know what to do next. I cry cuz I wish I never woke up. The only thing that can save me is now gone. Honestly, I hope I never get hungry again. If I can't kill myself, maybe my body can do it for me.

Why do I fail at everything I do in life? Why do I fail so much? Why did I fail at the only thing that has ever mattered to me in life.... Showing him how much he meant to me and my soul?

My life is one cruel circle. It will never change even though I think it may. I will always find someone to love, then push them away. I can't break the circle and am starting to feel that in order to stop the trips round and round I should just stop. I'm not saying I wanna kill myself, although the desire is there. I will not go down that path. But I am freaking out cuz I feel as if I don't know what to do. I'm scared to move and even try it one more time. I feel as if my whole world just ended. God can't come soon enough. What the fuck do I do?

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Is it your plan for me to suffer? Do you mean to make me cry? Did you enjoy breaking my heart? Do you love watching me die? Why would you ever treat me this way? Is it your intention for me to fall? Why would you laugh at all my pain? Then put the blame on me You made me feel like it's my fault And made me hate myself There was nothing I could do To stop the pain Gnawing at my heart Clawing at my soul Torturing my every day And loving every minute of it. Not only did you break my heart But you stepped on the pieces Then picked up the shard of glass And thrust it into the gaping hole in my chest You shoved it deeper Watching the blood trickle down my stomach Smiling as the light left my eyes Drinking in my anguish Listening to the terror eating away at my soul Laughing at me With that horrifying voice Tearing at my flesh The tears I continue to cry Flow steadily into the blood stained across my skin I'm drenched in my own crimson flood And stared at people passing by People smiling and holding hands Stealing kisses when no one's looking They see me Their eyes widen in utter fear Their clasped hands are released And fall limply to their sides Their smiling faces gone completely dry All color left their cheeks All they see is me A child whom should not be alive A child whom should be dead I look up and see him Standing next to me With black wings stabbed into his back No one can see him No one except me All they can see is black paint On the walls from where his wings brushed And red hand prints smeared against them Going down A dark deathly red My blood Is all they see They turn They run away From the creature whose standing before them From the creature I've become The scars on my body seem to be even more noticeable Like they're branding me a sinner Like they're showing my every fault They're signs of my worthlessness Tormenting me every second of my useless life They define me Don't judge me by the scratches all over me That is burned into my mind My wish But those cuts were put there by whom drenched me in my own blood He who is not fazed by weakness or pain He who has not one drop of blood on his perfect body Though he took the shards of glass And cut me apart I should be dead But I'm not I'm alive And breathing And he's puzzled He doesn't understand That He is my reason for the breath that keeps me alive for I will always wish I wasn't this ugly creature that not only he but everyone devised.

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I'm feeling trapped like my times of joy are over. I'm grasping to pull out of this pit but everything I latch onto falls out of my grip.

My world is collapsing and all my energies are insufficient to bring me out of the abyss.

I'm falling and scared that ill be lost for good. My heart is dead. My soul is empty. My entire being is disappearing never to be found again.

I may be walking the earth for many years to come but only as an empty vessel. Father why hath the forsaken me. I did as you asked and yet you leave me here to die a tortuous death.

I have no more left within me to give.
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